Many of us delay the grieving process when faced with different kinds of loss. Whether it be death of a loved one, dissolution of an important relationship, loss of a job, or some other form of trauma creating grief; we often tell ourselves certain things that inhibits or stunts the grieving process. We tell ourselves that we must be strong and to ignore or most painful emotions. We tell ourselves that we can not look weak and that we have to be strong for others. We often feel that we can rely on our own faculties to get through this difficult times, yet we have found that this only prolongs our suffering.
For those of us who have experienced loss while in active addiction, we felt we had the perfect coping skill to “get through”. The alcohol and drugs numbed us, or so we thought, and we didn’t have to face our emotions as they attempted to come ashore in waves. Every time we picked up a bottle, or a pipe, or a needle we denied ourselves permission to feel and to heal.
The real resistance to grief is often the resistance to accept loss as a reality. The longer we held off on facing grief, the longer we tried to convince ourselves that the loss never happened. That it had been a bad dream, or someone else’s mistake. Every time someone else would bring the loss to our attention we might get angry because they were provided evidenced that the loss had in fact occurred. Often depression is triggered from the feelings of guilt and shame for the anger we experience.
Grief is complicated and comes in many forms. Some forms are familiar to us and some can come as a surprise. Feelings of overwhelming sadness and longing, moments of relief, and guilt for any interludes of happiness or humor. Inevitably what happens is we come to a pivotal point in the grieving process in which we are required to make one of two choices: continue to live in pain attempting to deny its very existence or begin to move forward. If we chose the former this choice to make will continuously show up. But if we chose the latter we begin to experience a change.
The first thing to keep in mind when it comes to grief is that we all grieve on our own terms. Much like a commitment to recovery, we make a commitment to grief in which we surrender to the process and allow it to unfold as it needs to. There are no specific timeframes and there is no specific path or method to the process. The best we can do is hold a sort of faith in a future where we will find ourselves happy and fulfilled. There is no right or wrong along the way. With that said, here are some tips that will help with the process.
There is a powerful realization on the other side of grief – what is real can never be destroyed. Energy can neither be created nor destroyed. At the end of the day what are we really, within this physical realm, other than energy? The love we held and continue to feel can never be lost, tainted, tamed, or threatened. When we choose to move forward in our lives operating from our whole hearts, we bring forward all the beauty and magic of those that have moved on from our world. We carry with us the greatest parts of them and we allow them to live through our amazing experiences. We are them and they are us.
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